Life is an ongoing series of near misses. I nearly had this show, I almost had that career, I came close to achieving this mile stone - and the moment my cynical self takes a breather, euphoria engulfs me. What I would sacrifice to stay in that moment which validates every decisions I have ever made - and then it's gone...
On a family vacation to Disneyland, around the age of 9, I was staring straight up at this palm tree thinking how magical living ANYWHERE that had this type of tree would be. Palm trees represented rich celebrity types, glamour, excitement, and best of all - NO SNOW! I fell asleep in the car heading towards, "The happiest place on Earth," dreaming of life with my mom, no abusive step fathers, no walking on eggshells and surrounded by artists and talented people from around the world.
Long story short - my brother ruined Disneyland with constant comparisons to Dumbo, pointing out how Dumbo and I must be related and telling me my bio family would be happy to see me. The happiest place on Earth didn't live up to my dreams, but having a moment where I felt I WAS exactly where I was meant to be, WAS a first. Fast forward into the future, I would travel and chase that feeling- never coming close to obtaining it. Until
Standing before a panel of FOUR of the top most influential industry moguls, a flurry of lights hit me from in between each figure. I was warm and complacent, mentally and physically - likely from those shinning lights. It was nastogic - just like before, when the sun shone through the Palm's leaves on my first outing to California. After years of being told, "No" I was going to be told yes and I wouldn't have to question if I was doing what I was meant to, because these idols were going to say it point blank, they were going to tell me, "You belong here!" I didn't need verbal confirmation because I felt it! Each comment and critique was ever more validating - so image the blowback after having this monumental moment of validation become yet ANOTHER near miss story.
I am beyond empathetic to any underdog, as that is all I know. My survival story of a sexually abusive bio parent, a parent battling an addition, a speech impediment, raising myself and my sisters, an estranged sister I never got to meet, and a life shattering breakup of a 10 year relationship just wasn't enough. My personality wasn't a right fit. Which is odd because whether I want to admit it or not, technically this is a profession where one doesn't need much of a personality at all if you have the right look. (I mean, they CAN count, but often castings are based without ever truly getting to know a model.) The months of effort to make this possibility happen just to have it taken away and given to someone less deserving... makes me shutter, and of course bitter.
How could that moment that I felt be wrong. I have searched for it for so long that I nearly forgot what it felt like and assumed it was unreachable. I kept reliving the moment of rejection, and I have thick skin so it wasn't that THAT was getting to me, it was the fact I had lowered my guard. In dreams, I would stand there looking up at the idols and the panel desk would start to grow taller and taller and each time someone spoke I would stand there clueless because I couldn't hear if they liked me or not. That was my only dream for a week with variations but the same result - a fading into emptiness. My failed dream! (Literally and figuratively) And I have had many dreams and ambitions, but I only succeed because I keep failing. I saw something that no one else saw in me - and I had so much passion and belief in myself that I found a way to FORCE others to see it. If I believed in luck, that opportunity wouldn't have came to me.
I failed at being a fitness trainer, I failed at being a wrestler, I failed at passing onto the next round for a show, all of which is amazing because I am unstoppable. I fail so often, that it's beginning to feel good! (joking?) Each failure is an unreachable dream - that I have been able to live in it's dimensions momentarily. In order for success, you must be willing to experience failure - so for every underdog out there, you have a companion, See you on TOP.
This image got such great feedback, the best I have ever heard... my man did a great job! How cool would it have been to see this promoted through a major network or any where else that wasn't just me! Grrrrr.